This is a found poem collage.
Source: Excerpted from several interviews with an adult film performer who went by name Ashley Blue.
CW: explicit content and some ableist language.
Talking Blue
I am white trash, I will admit.
I got fired from every job I've had. I was a receptionist. I was a waitress. I got fired as a hostess at a restaurant for sleeping. I didn't care. The job was so stupid. I've had some problems with authority. Not the law, just doing stupid jobs that people take so seriously. That's what I like about porn. It's not serious. I can do whatever I want and they praise me for it.
There were a lot of wannabe producers trying to big time themselves.
They were the type of guys that would say, 'We can't pay you the full rate' or 'we don't have any baby wipes.' That bullshit like they would try to pay me with a dinner at Denny's or the Waffle House.
Do you think I am a bitch for this?
Everyone else was kind of in this flock. Like they were herded in and we were fed crappy pizza one night. On top of that I was on medication and I couldn't drink. Which I am glad for now because I would have probably embarrassed myself or run my mouth off. I wasn't drinking so I could see it for what it was. I wasn't in like this drunken stupor and then say 'oh yeah, it was cool.' I didn't choose not to drink. I had fucking vaginitis because someone double dipped during a DP. So they stuck their dick in my ass and then in my cunt so I got an infection. That's why I was on medication.
I love that I go to my job and laugh non-stop. Everybody is so funny. When I'm doing a scene, I think, this is so hilarious. I'm sitting here puking and pulling my ass apart and this is my job? It's comical. The only thing I don't like is catching gono all the time.
We make up funny stories and everything is a cool idea …. We can make up stupid stories about Garbage Pail Girls and I like it and it's entertaining. The pornos I watch at home are usually just the disgusting ones because they make me laugh. I like being gross and extreme because I get a kick out of that. I could never go back to trying to be sexy because it is just not my personality. I'm not a typical whore who is like, 'Yeah, yeah cum all over me'. It's just not me. They let me be myself.
Instead of going to therapy, I make horrible jokes out of my life through porn. Laughter is the best medicine. It heals you for about a second and that's all you need.
I am bored with all the other things. They all seem to blend together. I'm a girl and I don't watch porn so I can jack my dick off because I don't have one. As a chick watching porno I know it is not real. The whole making love bullshit and the acting is so boring. I am not amused. I like watching extreme stuff because it is something different.
I am over the whole fucking bitterness of being degraded. I don't feel like I am anymore.... It's not destroying my soul. We're making entertainment. Porno is a form of entertainment and I don't want people to be bored. I don't want to be bored. I don't think when you try to be sexy, you will ever be sexy.
I want to grow as a person. I will never look back on this and not be able to talk about because it is so awful or I am ashamed. Everybody moves on from something, especially at my age. If I am doing the same thing in ten years I will be dumb. If I were a plumber ten years from now I would have taken no risks.
I'm so sober I can see how alone everyone is.
I got fired from every job I've had. I was a receptionist. I was a waitress. I got fired as a hostess at a restaurant for sleeping. I didn't care. The job was so stupid. I've had some problems with authority. Not the law, just doing stupid jobs that people take so seriously. That's what I like about porn. It's not serious. I can do whatever I want and they praise me for it.
There were a lot of wannabe producers trying to big time themselves.
They were the type of guys that would say, 'We can't pay you the full rate' or 'we don't have any baby wipes.' That bullshit like they would try to pay me with a dinner at Denny's or the Waffle House.
Do you think I am a bitch for this?
Everyone else was kind of in this flock. Like they were herded in and we were fed crappy pizza one night. On top of that I was on medication and I couldn't drink. Which I am glad for now because I would have probably embarrassed myself or run my mouth off. I wasn't drinking so I could see it for what it was. I wasn't in like this drunken stupor and then say 'oh yeah, it was cool.' I didn't choose not to drink. I had fucking vaginitis because someone double dipped during a DP. So they stuck their dick in my ass and then in my cunt so I got an infection. That's why I was on medication.
I love that I go to my job and laugh non-stop. Everybody is so funny. When I'm doing a scene, I think, this is so hilarious. I'm sitting here puking and pulling my ass apart and this is my job? It's comical. The only thing I don't like is catching gono all the time.
We make up funny stories and everything is a cool idea …. We can make up stupid stories about Garbage Pail Girls and I like it and it's entertaining. The pornos I watch at home are usually just the disgusting ones because they make me laugh. I like being gross and extreme because I get a kick out of that. I could never go back to trying to be sexy because it is just not my personality. I'm not a typical whore who is like, 'Yeah, yeah cum all over me'. It's just not me. They let me be myself.
Instead of going to therapy, I make horrible jokes out of my life through porn. Laughter is the best medicine. It heals you for about a second and that's all you need.
I am bored with all the other things. They all seem to blend together. I'm a girl and I don't watch porn so I can jack my dick off because I don't have one. As a chick watching porno I know it is not real. The whole making love bullshit and the acting is so boring. I am not amused. I like watching extreme stuff because it is something different.
I am over the whole fucking bitterness of being degraded. I don't feel like I am anymore.... It's not destroying my soul. We're making entertainment. Porno is a form of entertainment and I don't want people to be bored. I don't want to be bored. I don't think when you try to be sexy, you will ever be sexy.
I want to grow as a person. I will never look back on this and not be able to talk about because it is so awful or I am ashamed. Everybody moves on from something, especially at my age. If I am doing the same thing in ten years I will be dumb. If I were a plumber ten years from now I would have taken no risks.
I'm so sober I can see how alone everyone is.
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Rebecca Traquair can often be found at @beckylunatic on Twitter. She has been away from poetry for some time, and is trying to find her way back.
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